Here are some of our readers' questions that have been answered by Patsy Rowe, the world-renown author and etiquette expert :
- What is the order for speeches at the wedding reception?
- Does the bride have to speak at her wedding?
- How long should speeches be?
- Who decides who should speak at the wedding?
- Should speeches be spontaneous?
- We have decided to ask our guests to pay for their own meal in lieu of presents and we are wondering how best to word this on the invitation.
- I have my son's first birthday coming up and want to make a speech (informal of course) but I've no idea what to say! I don't want to sound sappy, but I do want to say how very special everyone there is to us. Any suggestions please?
- How many umm's is too many in public speaking?
- If you make a faux par in introducing a guest should you fix it after the guest has spoken or should you just apologize to the guest sincerely later?
- When preparing a wedding invitation list, is it necessary to invite a friend's new partner?
- How do you broach the subject of who is going to pay for what with the parents and in laws
- How does one overcome nerves before public speaking?
- Do you think it's all right to make fun of the in laws during a best man speech? It would be funny, but would they find it offensive?
- How do I stop myself from shaking when giving a speech?
- Who should I look at when I'm speaking to lots of people?
- Is there etiquette for Hens Nights and Bucks nights?
- I have been told to picture everyone naked to calm my nerves when my wedding speech time comes... but I do NOT want to imagine my family and my fiances families naked not only is it frightening but so wrong on so many levels .. !! What is another way to calm my nerves, help!
- Should Surnames be on the seating plan (for a wedding) or is it OK to just have Christian names?
- How do you choose an M.C for a wedding? Does it have to be a family member or family friend?
- If the groom's parents are divorced and have new partners for the past 10 years, do you toast only the groom's parents or their partners as well?
- Is it still common for the bride’s parents to pay for the reception?
- I'm being matron of honour for my friend and want to make a speech but I freak out and always say the wrong thing not at all what I planned. How do I stop this happening?
- Is it still considered not right for the bride to make a speech?
- What is the appropriate length of time between the wedding and the reception?
- I was just wondering if it is considered rude when inviting guests to the wedding, if we invited all guests to the ceremony, some to the dinner and then the others join us again after dinner. Or if it is better to either have all there for the whole thing or the people we can't have at the dinner just come to the after-do, and not even the ceremony. My family and I are having debates about whether it is ok.
- How long should a wedding speech be?
- Why is it that when people public speak in public they always have a blank look on their faces?
- Who sends out the wedding invitations if the bride’s parents don’t?
- Should cell phones be permitted at the reception?
- I want my bridesmaids to pay for their own outfits for the wedding instead of giving us a wedding present. What is the right way to go about asking them?
- Why is it that the engagement and wedding ring are worn on the third of the left hand?
- Is it necessary to have a rehearsal before the wedding?
- How do I know what photographs the photographer will take?
- My friends tell me that I’m very funny. Is it OK to be funny when I make my speech as best man at my brother’s wedding?
- Should I give a gift to my fiancée’s mother?
- How do you look confident when public speaking?
- Regarding wedding etiquette, how do you tell family that they will not be invited to the due to budget constraints? Both my Fiancé and I have large families, and we'd love to have everyone there, but budget speaking, we just can't afford it. Is there a nice way to include / exclude parts of the family without annoying anyone?
- I have been married before, is it allowed for me to speak at the wedding and to wear white? I'd love to wear white as I feel like a first time bride with my husband-to-be!!
- I'm a softy and cry easily, so how do you stop yourself from crying in your speech when you start talking about things or people that mean a lot to you?
- How can you stop your voice from shaking?
- What are some tips for overcoming terrible nerves when I speak? My throat goes dry, my hands shake and to make it worse, my face is scarlet!
- I rehearse and prepare well before public speaking, but want to leave some space for spontaneity. However, if I think 'spontaneous' I often freeze. Do you have any advice for how to deal with this?
- Should the groomsmen or family members welcome guests into the church?
- I recently went to a wedding that had an MC to introduce different speech makers. How common is this? I have never struck it before. Do you recommend it?
- I want to give a bridal shower tea party but can't afford it. Is it all right for me to charge people to come?
- I have just been to a wedding where the speakers did not seem to have practiced at all. Is it ok to ask the people who are speaking at a wedding to do a rehearsal together?
- Any tips on staying focused on the speech and people I'm talking to, when I get nervous and I look at all those people, my mind tends to go blank and I forget everything!
- How does a modern girl in the times of "restaurants" like McDonalds, get any idea of how to behave like a proper lady at her wedding... when everyone will be watching her?
- What is the best way to tell your Dad that you would prefer your two brothers to walk you down the aisle?
- Do the bridesmaids pay for their own hair and make up to be done or do I? (I have bought their dress). Who picks the people who do our hair and make up? And who picks the style?
and here are the answers...
  Traditionally, there was a loyal toast (to the Queen) at weddings, however this is now uncommon. If there is to be a toast to the Queen, it is at the beginning of the meal but speeches, all of which end with a toast, take place after the dessert and before the wedding cake is cut.
However, because many couples these days prefer to get the speeches 'over and done with' they choose to have them at the beginning of the meal so that instead of sitting frigid with fear before their moment comes, speakers can make their speech early and are then free to relax and enjoy themselves. This method also prevents anyone from having too many drinks and finding themselves in the grip of the grape before they say their 'few words'. Wait staff would need to be informed of this when the booking was made so meals are not brought out and left to go cold.
All speakers should be reminded to keep to the time frame allotted to them and to be relevant and tasteful.
If an MC (Master or Mistress of Ceremonies), is being used, they should be ready to intervene if any one of the speakers embarks on a lengthy monologue.
Before anyone speaks, the MC or whoever is in charge of proceedings, (and someone should be) asks the waiters 'to charge' (to fill) the glasses, but if no waiters are present, guests are asked to fill their own glasses. Toasting can be with water or soft drink if alcohol isn't being consumed.
The father of the bride usually makes the first speech ending with a toast to the bride and bridegroom. If the bride's father has passed away or is absent, a relative or close family friend will toast instead.
The bridegroom would then speak and toast the bridesmaids, and the best man would usually respond on behalf of the bridesmaids.
Nowadays, the bride may respond to a toast instead of, or as well as, her new husband (but please read the next question and answer before making this decision.)
The matron of honour or chief bridesmaid may decide to respond on behalf of the other bridesmaids, or indeed, if any one of the bridesmaids is a competent speaker, she may be elected to speak on their behalf.
The mother of the bride may also speak and then toast the couple.
At more formal weddings there may also be:
- a Loyal Toast to the Queen, usually proposed by the MC, if there is one;
- a toast to the bride and bridegroom by a brother or sister, or close friend of either side of the family;
- a toast to the bride's parents (the usual hosts for the weddings) by a family friend, or by the groom's parents;
- a response to this by the father (or mother) of the bride, who might then propose a toast to their new in-laws, the parents of the groom.
Every speech should end by inviting the guests to rise to their feet, raise their glasses and drink a toast.
Traditionally, the bride didn't speak at her wedding, today however, some modern brides like to say a 'few words.' It certainly isn't obligatory, nor is it even necessary, but if you're a woman who does a lot of public speaking in the course of your work, or did debating or drama in your youth and feel confident of speaking well, by all means do so.
I must emphasize however, that you shouldn't be persuaded by your partner, parents or pals to do so. Only speak if it's something you do with ease and would enjoy! Your wedding day should be full of happy memories.... don't risk spoiling it by being filled with dread at the thought of making a fool of yourself.
Not long! a general guideline is to allow 125-150 words per minute as the rate at which the average person speaks, so for example, if you've been asked to speak for 3 minutes you'll write approximately 375- 450 words.
The only person who may want to say a little more is the father of the bride (or whoever is taking his role, uncle, grandfather, brother, family friend if the father is not present) and so he might speak for five minutes. If he's a really entertaining speaker, perhaps ten minutes, but remember, if there are 6 or 7 people speaking at say 3-4 minutes each, this will take up to half an hour. If the speakers are even just average, this can feel like a lifetime.
Whoever is hosting the wedding, (the bride and bridegroom, or his or her parents, or their parents combined) should have a meeting when arrangements for the wedding are being made and decide who they would like to invite to speak.
For instance, if the bridegroom is reluctant to speak, and his bride would like to, this is decided at this initial meeting, as is the length of time they would like people to speak. All speakers should be given a definite time, they will no doubt still go beyond this, but never let anyone stand up and 'just go for it'... be specific about the time frame of the reception and make sure they understand they are fitting into it.
When you see a comedian perform, or a professional speaker 'present' at a function, it may look as if its 'off the cuff.' Trust me, it isn't. Every word, every pause, every anecdote has been carefully constructed, timed, and rehearsed. It just looks spontaneous.A good speech is a carefully prepared one.... rehearsed in private.
The most tactful way to do this is to include a copy of the menu (and price) with the invitation. Write a line at the foot of the invitation or the menu stating that amount of money is in lieu of gifts.
For example: $70.00 per head (since guests are paying for their meals, they are kindly requested not to bring gifts).
I should add this is still a very tricky situation as many guests may not have intended to spend as much as this, (or whatever your meal comes to) Another problem arises if there is a couple invited, you are asking them to pay, say $140.00 plus their drinks for their night. Worse, I feel relatives may well feel offended, particularly older ones who might find this offensive. I think having a 'cash' bar is a good idea with guests buying their own drinks, but asking guests to pay for their meal is very awkward indeed.
[Ed: We have found that some couples have the person to whom the guests are RSVPing discuss it with the guests. This makes it less awkward for the couple (although you need to make sure that the guests are actually told, so that it isn't a surprise on the day!).]
The best speeches are those that are genuine and heart-felt so write a few lines saying how thrilled you are to see so many of your friends and family have managed tocome to the baby's first birthday (you may feel it necessary to mention very special ones by name but be careful not to cause jealousies)
It's a very special occasion for you and you and your partner/husband wanted to share it with those special people closest to you. You hope that this will not only be the first birthday you all share, but the first of many such happy family occasions. That's plenty!
Even one 'ummmmm' is an 'ummmmmm' too many. You won't fall into this trap if you write down the points you want to make, number them if it helps you, and go for it. These annoying 'ummmmms' are the result of people thinking out loud as they 'hover' between points. Train yourself to look at the card or sheet of notes you're following and start the next sentence immediately to avoid that gap.
You should correct the mistake as soon as you realize it. In other words, if you're about to leave the stage and you realize you forgot to mention the name of the guest's book, go back and say: 'Sorry everyone, I completely forgot to tell you that the title of John's new book being released this week is, 'Studying Sharks at Sea' which has already gone to the top of the best seller list'. (then turn to the speaker and say) 'John, I know you are too modest to have mentioned how well the new book is going, but congratulations from all of us here today. We're really looking forward to hearing about it.'
That not only covers your omission, but gave you a chance to compliment the speaker who now won't care that you left it out the first time!!!
This depends on your numbers. If you can comfortably seat one more, and you know your friend will be disappointed not to attend with their partner, then do so. It also depends on how long the partner has been on the scene, if they're 'brand new' there is less need to feel obliged to include them, but partners of long standing relationships should definitely be invited.
As soon as the engagement is announced start collecting quotes to get an idea of what the whole wedding is going to cost. Then, equipped with even a ball-park figure, arrange a meeting, preferably a meal or a celebratory drink so that the atmosphere is a warm, friendly one.
The parents of the bride should initiate the discussion by saying what they feel they intend (or would like) to pay for which leaves the parents of the groom able to say what they feel they would like to contribute. If a doting god-mother, grandmother or the bride and the bridegroom themselves also intend to put in some money, this is the time to announce it.
This is also the time that if any of the parties feels that the overall cost of the wedding is excessive, for them to say so, particularly if in the case of the bridegroom’s parents, they had intended to contribute for say, the alcohol or the band, but find that the soon-to-be wed couple plan to order imported wines and hire a full orchestra and the three tenors to sing!
The better prepared you are, the better you will speak and the less nervous you will feel. Taking three short breaths before you start to speak with take your voice down from a high squeak, as well as having a calming effect.
I think it would be extremely unwise (and very dangerous!) to make fun of the in laws in any of the speeches.
Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same sense of humour for a start, and secondly, when people are ‘on show’ as the in laws would be, at the wedding, with everyone knowing who they are, the possibility of making them feel uncomfortable of ill at ease is higher.
If they are people too who are unaccustomed to dressing up and socializing they might also be feeling just a little nervous about the whole function. And although you say, ‘it would be funny’. YOU might think it would be, but just imagine the reaction if they didn’t!
If you’re speaking from notes or palm cards, it’s best to ask for a table to be put beside you or lectern so you can get them out of your obviously trembling hands! (You can also stand behind the lectern too so no one can see your knees knocking.)
You can even use the corners of it to rest your hands on which removes that awkward feeling new speakers of have of wondering ‘What on earth can I do with my hands?”
How to actually stop this from happening takes a long time, (and a lot of speeches and practice sessions) so that you become so confident, that you don’t shake, but this will help you in the meantime to cover it up!
Try to look at everyone in the audience when you’re speaking. Imagine the audience is divided into nine parts in front of you, three parts in three lines. Start by looking at the front line, in the middle, then move your eyes slowly (don’t jerk around or you’ll look nervous and furtive!) to the left of the second row, then perhaps to the middle of the third row, then maybe down to the front row, on the right In other words, engage every part of the audience by drawing them in to you so that no one part (or person) feels you never even looked their way!
Both Hens and Bucks nights have undergone major changes in recent years, in that the former often take the form of a weekend away for the gals when they not only kick up their heels, but indulge in facials, massages, and general pampering. I think this is just the best way to celebrate a girl friend’s forthcoming marriage and more memorable than one night on the town.
If however, a big night out is what is planned, it’s important to arrange say a stretch limousine or taxis for transport to avoid driving after drinking. Secondly, to avoid embarrassment over what is spent, a decision should be made that say, you are all prepared to spend x amount and that money put in a ‘kitty’ in the hands of one person and that is what is spent. This applies to bucks nights as well of course. I think too both occasions should be well ahead of the wedding itself so that hangovers don’t spoil the ‘Big Day’.
The days of wild nights of excessive drinking and foolish pranks are gone. It is up to the best man to ensure that any ‘escapade’ planned for the bridegroom is run by him first, and if there is any likelihood of injuring the bridegroom, forget it!
I have to tell you that if I imagined that everyone in the audience was naked, I would be so side-tracked I wouldn’t remember a word of what I had to say (especially if it were an audience of blokes!) The best way to overcome nerves is to prepare well, and above all…practice!!!! At first, on your own in front of a mirror, then if you’re lucky enough to own a video, or to borrow one, video yourself, and then finally practice in front on some friends. You’ll feel far more confident once you’ve ‘done’ your speech a couple of times like this. Ask your friends to be honest about irritating mannerisms, or if a joke wasn’t all that funny. No point in asking them do this if they don’t level with you. Then take three deep breaths before you speak, and you’re up and away!
It’s a good idea to put surnames on the seating plan as many people with similar Christian names could be confused. Print the surname first, in capital letters so it is easily seen by older members of the wedding party, then the Christian name. If you write them in alphabetical order too it makes recognition quicker.
The role of the MC is very important as they (it can be a man or a woman) are responsible for the smooth running of the reception and above all, of handling any problems that arise so you need to select someone who is a good speaker, can improvise with a witty anecdote or tasteful joke if there is a gap in the schedule which needs to be filled. They also need to be well organized, calm and diplomatic. It can be a member of the family, for instance, an uncle, godparent or a friend, but those qualities are essential.
Whether you toast the new partners or not really depends on two things: were they involved in your upbringing and secondly, what is your relationship with them? If they took you on as a small child and have acted in the role of parents, you should recognize that in the toast, and thank them; if your relationship with them is good, of course you’ll want to include them, on the other hand, if it’s a frosty one and you barely speak, you may still want to just thank your blood parent and simply add, ‘and his partner, x’ and leave it like that. No need to elaborate. So in a nutshell, your words will reflect how warm and how appreciative you are, not only of your of your parent’s upbringing, but of their partner’s contribution to your life….. but only if it’s true!
There is no hard and fast rule now about who pays for the reception… if the bride’s parents want to, and are financially able to do so, it is still accepted for them to pay and therefore be the hosts. However, it is also very common now for the parents of the bridegroom to pay for either the alcohol, the band for dancing if there is to be one, or in some cases, just to do a 50-50 split of the reception costs (not the cars, flowers, video etc) ..purely the cost of the reception itself.
This means that both sets of parents are equal hosts and can of course invite equal numbers of guests. In other cases too, even the bride and bridegroom pay a part of the reception… particularly if it is not the first wedding for one or both of them. I heard of a wedding recently where the reception was split six ways! The parents of both the bride and bridegroom, the bride and the bridegroom themselves, the stepfather of the bride who had been very involved in her upbringing, and her aunt who was also the godmother of the bride.
So you see, it’s really whatever works for you and your family. The main thing is to sort out who is going to pay for what before you start booking a 20 piece orchestra and ordering Moet and Chandon!
You will be far more at ease if you plan what you are going to say…. Do this weeks ahead of the wedding …start jotting down a few points, for instance, how much closer you and your friend have become since she first asked you to be matron of honour, how delighted you are that you’ve been able to get to know the bridegroom so much better etc etc…. don’t put them in any order at this stage. Remember that approximately 100 words is about 1 minute of normal speaking speed, so a 3-4 minute speech would be a good length, i.e about 400-450 words. When you feel you have about this number of words, put them in order of importance, (or some sort of sequence) and polish them up. Avoid using words you stumble over or find hard to pronounce. Type out your speech in 14 point font and bold the main points of each paragraph and write them in the left margin so you can see them easily, or hand write on cards. Just read your speech over several times till you are comfortable with it, practice saying it out loud, and then on the day, you will only need to look at the bold headings in the margin to jolt your memory as to the detail of the point.
There is no rigid protocol for who can or cannot make a speech at the wedding reception. If the bride feels she has something she wants to say, is a confident speaker and doesn’t feel she will be captive to nerves for the whole reception until she is to speak (and get it over and done with!)…. there is no reason she shouldn’t do so. For a bride to ruin her wedding dreading the moment when she has to speak is foolish however. And above all, keep it brief.
The time between when the wedding ends and the reception begins will depend on two factors: is there to be a lengthy photographic shoot (which I don’t recommend) or, is the wedding reception to be held miles and miles away from where the wedding was performed (which I also don’t recommend). It is both thoughtless and discourteous to ask guests to hover for two to three hours filling in time, keeping excited children under control, making idle chatter or worse, standing in high heels perhaps in the heat or the cold, while the bride, the bridegroom, the attendants and the family are photographed from every possible angle. Asking guests to drive long distances too is inconsiderate …. Not to mention losing elderly guests who can’t find the reception venue.
Keep the time down to no more than an hour… don’t forget, unless you tell the reception house or hotel to serve drinks before you arrive, they won’t, which leaves you with some irritated, bored and thirsty guests when you eventually do get there. It also makes having a formal greeting line impossible. So don’t dawdle!
A very easy way of getting around the problem (the cost one that is) of inviting everyone to join you at the reception is to split the invitees as you suggest. It is quite acceptable to invite certain, what I call, ‘fringe people’ to come to the church and see you married. These could be people you work with who are not close friends, your hairdresser, or neighbours. You can invite them by ringing them, or you can print an invitation out on a home computer which makes it clear they are just being invited to the church, park, beach, synagogue or whatever. When you invite guests for ‘the whole thing’, the wedding and the reception , the printed invitation should specify where the wedding itself will be, and then say something like, ‘a dinner reception will be held at 6pm at Gleneages, 36 Smith Street etc etc…….’ That way, people know they are going to both.
I don’t think it works, however, to ask people to join you at the end of the meal. Some could arrive early and seating would be a problem (unless you’re having a stand-up affair) and it seems a little tactless for them to see the remnants of the superb wedding banquet you’ve all enjoyed. A lovely way of getting around this problem is to invite those particular ‘fringe dwellers’ to say, afternoon tea at your house, or that of one of your bridal attendants, aunt or close friend, or drinks one evening the week of the wedding so they can have a ‘viewing’ of your dress and those of your attendants. That way they will feel very much a part of the excitement of the occasion. For those you are closer to you, could always send them a video if you’re having one made, or a special autographed photo of you both or perhaps some wedding cake. The other alternative is to do it the other way round. Invite them for afternoon tea or drinks after the honeymoon when you can show them not only how beautiful you looked on the day but some shots of your honeymoon perhaps. This really makes people feel very included. It also makes it clear they are not expected to bring gifts!
Weddings today are so much less formal and it’s not uncommon for several people to speak, starting off perhaps with a loyal toast to the Queen (although this is not so popular these days), a toast to the bride and bridegroom by a member of the family or close friend, a toast to the bride’s parents, a response (speech) by the bridegroom, a response (speech) by the best man, (a speech) by the chief bridesmaid or matron of honour, (a speech) by a god-parent or uncle perhaps or even an old friend who has known the bride for many years and wants to wish the couple well, a response (speech) by the father of the bride, who might then propose a toast the parents of the bridegroom and possibly the bride herself might like to speak! The possibilities are really endless, depending on who feels they would really like to participate. Unfortunately, very few people are naturally talented speakers and able to speak well, (and even less well when they’re in the ‘grip of the grape’) so the MC should be firm about limiting their time and getting them off the stage or whatever it is they’re speaking from.
A general rule of thumb is that all the wedding speeches should be reasonably brief. Imagine if those above spoke for even just a few minutes, the guests would be sitting there for a long time! Even if the speakers were excellent, people will get bored, restless and fidgety (and then they’ll drink more!) So…except for the toasts which are only about a minute long, and end with raising the glass and asking the guests to raise theirs, keep the speeches themselves to within say, 4-6 minutes per person. You can really say a lot in that time as most of us speak at about 150 words a minute so use this as a guideline. That means if you’re intending to speak for 6 minutes you would write a speech of about 150 x 6 which is approximately 900 words. And don’t think you can ‘wing it’ Even experienced speakers find this difficult…. prepare something and stick to it.
I was really interested to read this question as it’s something I’ve noticed too. I think it’s one of two things: firstly, if someone is reading their speech (and you know by now how I advise against this unless you use the format I have suggested in previous answers) it’s very difficult to inject a speech with real passion and life so unless you’re an actor and know how to ‘deliver’ lines, it will be flat and colourless. Secondly, if someone is very nervous and just can’t wait to get through the terrifying ordeal and get off the stage, they can tend to go into almost a trance-like state which appears as a ‘blank’ expression to the audience. The best way to avoid this happening is to prepare your speech very carefully and practice, practice and then—practice again.
If the parents of the bride are deceased, then the invitation goes out in the name of the person who has taken on the role of host. For example this could be a godmother, married sister (or even her husband) or grandparents. Whoever is acting as host on the day.
If the bride's parents are divorced and have little contact, the invitation should go out in the name of the parent who has adopted the role of host, for instance, the mother of the bride (if she has remarried, the invitation should go out in her married name).
If the mother were widowed, then the invitation should go out in her widowed name.
If the couple is hosting their own wedding (as neither have parents, or the parents are living overseas and are not attending or perhaps it's not the first wedding for one or both of them) the invitation should go out in their names; for example, Craig Townsend and Mary Carruthers…..
If the bridegroom's parents have taken it upon themselves to host the wedding then the invitation would go out in their name.
Cell phones may be permitted to attend the reception with their owners but they must be well-behaved, which means they must be either turned off, or on mute. Unless………. the person who owns the cell phone apologises to the host or hostess beforehand and explains that they must keep their phone turned on as they have a sick child at home, a rare pedigree dog that has been lost or are expecting the lottery office to call them with the details of their million dollar win! Otherwise, it is to be left at home or turned off!!!!
This is the sort of question which should be raised when you invite the bridesmaids to be part of the wedding party. Point out that you know how expensive total outfits can be by the time you add in shoes, correct matching underwear and so on, so bearing that in mind, you would prefer them to pay for their own bridal outfits rather than on a wedding gift. Their gift to you will be their participation in your very special day.
Interestingly enough, the third finger on the left hand hasn’t always been the ‘chosen’ wedding ring finger. In Ancient Greece it was originally the index finger and in India, the thumb! However, it became the accepted ring finger a little later than the 3rd Century in Greece when it was believed that it was directly connected to the heart via the ‘vein of love.’
It’s desirable to have a rehearsal of the ceremony—if it’s possible to do so—before the big day arrives just to identify any ‘wrinkles’ that need to be ironed out. It also gives the minister, rabbi, priest or celebrant an opportunity to ‘stage manage’ positions so that there are fewer nerves on the day. (Be aware that you may have to pay a loading for this however.) Even more importantly, a rehearsal gives the bride and bridegroom a chance to practice the volume of their responses. They can see whether they’re shouting their answers, or whispering them…. if the venue chosen for the wedding is large, or outdoors with poor acoustics, it can be extremely disappointing for those at the back to hear only a vague murmur as the vows are being exchanged. Similarly, the bride and her father (or whoever is giving her away) can practise walking down the aisle in time to the music so that on the day their pacing is polished and they feel more at ease.
If there are to be some very young attendants, this can be the time to see too if they are going to be able to behave on the day.
Another advantage of a rehearsal is that it can be a great opportunity for the bridal party to have a final dinner so if some of them haven’t met previously, they can get to know one another which will make everyone feel more comfortable on the day itself. It also offers an opportunity to invite someone to join in who isn’t able to attend on the day—a step-parent or elderly relative so the dinner can become something special and perhaps solve other problems.
You need to have a meeting with the photographer when you decide to book him to discuss exactly what photos you want taken. Are you interested in having him attend when you and your attendants are getting ready? Or do you want him to start work when you arrive at the church, sign the register, or even later, at the reception.
You also need to specify if you want lots of ‘casual’ shots taken—or formal posed shots—and if you want photos of just you and your attendants and family, or do you want him to photograph the guests. He will have no idea what you want if you don’t make it clear to him what you are expecting. To avoid embarrassment and disappointment this is one of the most important meetings you will have. Make notes of what has been decided upon and get the quote on that.
I would be extremely careful of ‘being funny’ … your idea of what is funny, your friend’s idea, or for that matter, what your brother thinks is funny may be distinctly unfunny to your bride, her parents and the guests. Humour doesn’t always ‘travel well’ in other words, what is funny with a few best mates enjoying a couple of beers at the pub after work could fall flat on its face at a wedding reception with people from all walks of life, of all ages, educational levels, professions and even religions. If you are determined to ‘be funny’ perhaps you should try out your humour on a small group of people who don’t know you—but only when they’re sober! If they laugh out loud, OK, give it a go. But be warned, it could still be a disaster at the reception. As I said, humour doesn’t always travel well.
Strictly speaking, it isn’t required but it’s a lovely thought and a gesture I’m sure any mother would appreciate. Ask your fiancée what she thinks her mother might like, perhaps something that will last and be a reminder of the special day you married her daughter. I did hear of a young couple who bought both sets of parents a small tree on the day they were married—they wrote on the accompanying note that as the tree would grow, so would their love. And even better, every anniversary they gathered beneath the tree to celebrate their health and happiness with a glass of something special. I thought that was very romantic!
Try not to tap your foot (a very common sign of nervousness) or twist a piece of hair, pull your ear or constantly adjust the buttons on your blouse or jacket or whip your glasses on and off. All these signs of nerves not only give the game away (that you're petrified!) but can be very irritating for people watching you. Keep a glass of water beside you (without ice which constricts the muscles in the throat) and sip when you need to… it gives you a chance too, to glance at your notes or palm cards in a natural way. Don't slouch, and focus on a friendly face in the audience so that your face will automatically soften and look more relaxed when you feel someone is 'with you'. Confidence comes from within, but even if you don't feel it, adopting some of these points will make you look it!
The most diplomatic way around not inviting everyone to the wedding reception is to invite them to the wedding ceremony itself, either to the church, synagogue, celebrant's office or beach where you're being married; or arrange a party either the night before the wedding, an afternoon or even a breakfast or brunch where you can show them your dress or your trousseau (if you have one) talk about your honeymoon plans, have a few drinks and lots of fun so they feel included. At that time you can say that you have so many wonderful friends and family and you wanted everyone to share in your happiness so this was why you invited them all today; or send them a piece of the wedding cake with a hand-written card and perhaps a photo of you and the bridegroom saying that you were sorry you couldn't invite everyone on the day, but that they were in your thoughts.
You can certainly speak at your own wedding, and good on you for giving it a go.
Secondly, whilst its not strictly correct to wear white (which is symbolic of virginity) when you're marrying for the second (third or whatever time,) if it's important you to do so, you can. There are no rigid rules… and today, many brides who wear white are not virgins whether or not they've been married before. If you still feel reluctant, you could always compromise with ivory, or light cream, or off-white but the main thing is to feel comfortable on the day
A little ladylike weep during an emotional part of the speech is not a big problem, in fact, it can be very endearing and show that the people, or events, you're speaking of mean a great deal to you. However, if you feel you're going to bawl long and loud throughout your speech, I think I'd give it a miss. Everyone will be embarrassed, Including you, and it will hardly feel like the happy occasion it's meant to be.
It's shaking because you're nervous, so unfortunately, the only answer for you is to practice, practice and then practice for so many months or weeks before you present so that you're not nervous! (which is easier said than done.) Taking deep breaths before you speak can help, so can listening to relaxation tapes, but nervousness comes from within, so you need to conquer that fear and trepidation and your voice will settle down. And did I mention that you need to practice?
This is a sign of awkwardness and embarrassment and so the more speaking you do and the more confident you become, the less uncomfortable you'll feel. If you're a woman, you could wear a foundation that is yellow-based on your cheeks and eliminate blusher.
There is a medication called Inderal (beta blocka) originally used for blood pressure which has been nicknamed the 'after dinner speaker's tablet'. You would need to consult your doctor as it is a drug and needs to be prescribed. I have to say it really should be thought of as a last resort for a speech that is terribly important to you perhaps. Even then, if your doctor did agree that it would be possible for you to take it, it should be a 'once off' and I would try it BEFORE the big day in case it upsets you in some way. Keep practicing though. You will eventually overcome those nerves. Medication is not really the way to go.
Except for experienced speakers, ‘spontaneity’ is rarely spontaneous. Timing and skilful presentation just makes it seem so. You can write a few lines in to your speech and practice them at home so they appear ‘off the cuff,’ but if you depend on coming up with something wise and witty on the spot, freezing is a possibility.
It’s not usual for a formal line of welcome outside the church, usually the ushers show guests to the correct side of their church, or help elderly or frail people into their seats. At this time however, it’s courteous to make a little small talk, but it’s the parents and the bridal party who welcome guests and this is done on arrive at the reception.
You don't have to have an MC (which incidentally, can be a male or female) but they do have a very important role to play. They not only introduce each speaker as you said, but they're responsible for the smooth running of the reception and above all, of handling any problems that arise. I f you decide to use an MC, you can choose a friend or a member of the family- for instance, an uncle or brother (which won't cost you anything) but you need to select someone who is a good speaker, well organized, calm and diplomatic. Or, if your budget permits, you can hire a professional.
I think guests could be very offended if you charge them-especially if you didn't forewarn them! A better solution would be to ask everyone to bring a plate of food or a bottle of wine or whatever. Remember they're expected to bring a gift to a shower tea and if they've already been to the engagement party and are going to the wedding too they're going to have their hands in their pockets again and again.
The other alternative would be to combine as co-hosts with a bridesmaid or friend and share the cost..but I would avoid passing the costs on to the guests.
This is an excellent idea as long as it's geographically possible. If all your speakers are located within easy driving range of one another and can spare the time to meet to practice, it would be really helpful. They don't need to actually 'go through' their entire speech-but it would be advantageous to outline what they intend to cover in their speech to avoid doubling up. You don't want uncle Harold and Aunt Harriet repeating the same childhood anecdote!
Having a rehearsal like this also gives the MC or the bride or bridegroom an opportunity to remind speakers to keep it brief as well as being a good opportunity for those who haven't met before, to get to know one another. It will all go towards making the event run more smoothly.
I really think it's a good idea for a novice speaker to use either palm cards, or a A4 page of notes to refer to. Don't read your speech, but use headings in bold type that you can see at a quick glance. When you get distracted and forget what you're saying, you can pause, perhaps have a sip of water, and glance at the notes again. If you write on an A4 sheet, write down the centre of the page only and keep the wide left margin for your heading. The heading will be the MAIN POINT of that paragraph. You should also bold those same words within the text so you get a chance to see them twice. When you see those key words, the rest of that paragraph will come back to you. Also, if you notice that looking at certain people distracts you, avoid them and look for a friendly face or two in the audience.
Being a bride, means being the centre of attention for the day-and that's not only very special, it's a very rare occurrence in our lives and that's why a lot of brides don't know how to handle this sudden, 'burst of fame.' If you remember that it is one thing to be the focus of everyone on your special day, but it doesn't mean that you should 'show off' (something I'm sure your mother told you not to do!) Loud behaviour is very unattractive: bellowing across the room, , hoisting your dress up around your thighs when dancing, shrieking, squealing and laughing loudly and of course, using foul language and getting blind drunk are all to be avoided. This doesn't mean you're not having a good time, it just means that you're not 'over the top' .. something you may regret when you see the wedding video! ( or worse, when your young children want to see the video of their mother on her wedding day.)
This is a very delicate situation as even if you have had a falling out with your father, or he hasn't played an important role in your life, I'm sure you don't want to hurt his feelings. How to tell him also depends a little on why you're not asking him. If he left your mother in dire straits, never supported her or you and there is a lot of ill feeling, then you can afford to say something like: 'Dad, I'm sure you understand that under the circumstances (he'll know what you mean by this!) I want to ask Herbert and Egbert to escort me down the aisle. After you left home, they were like a dad to me and this is probably the only chance I'll have to show them how much they mean to me.' Now-if you don't want to hurt him any more than this might, you could suggest a special dinner the night before the wedding where he will be guest of honour and you could make a little speech thanking him for coming to your wedding etc etc. Make him feel special. (But not special enough to walk you down the aisle!)
Firstly, the hair and make up is usually paid for by the bride. The point to remember is that you have invited them to be part of your wedding-they are not expected to be out of pocket. They will no doubt have given you a shower tea, or combined to buy you a gift, so they have spent enough. Even if you bought their dress you still pay for anything you want them to have, or wear, or use on the day. Now this means, because you're paying you can choose the people who do the hair and make-up, and how it's done. This is the big advantage. It's the same with the dress. If you pay, you get to choose. So pay, and be in the driver's seat!
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